[Elle]
There! Right there!
Look at that tan, that tinted skin
Look at the killer shape he's in
Look at that slightly stubly chin
Oh please he's gay, totally gay

[Calahan]
I'm not about to celebrate
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expotriate
This guy's not gay, I say not gay

[All]
That is the elephant in the room
Well, is it relevant to assume
That a man who wears perfume
Is automatically radically fay?

[Emmett]
But look at his coiffed and crispy locks

[Elle]
Look at his silk translucent socks

[Calahan]
There's the eternal paradox
Look what we're seeing

[Elle]
What are we seeing?

[Calahan]
Is he gay?

[Elle]
Of course he's gay

[Calahan]
Or european?

[All]
Oh
Gay or european?
It's hard to guarantee
Is he gay or european?

[Warner]
Well, hey don't look at me

[Vivian]
You see they bring their boys up different
In those charming foreign ports
They play peculiar sports

[All]
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks
They both say things like ciao bella
While they kiss you on both cheeks

[Elle]
Oh please

[All]
Gay or european?
So many shades of gray

[Warner]
Depending on the time of day
The french go either way

[All]
Is he gay or european?
Or

[Eden]
There! Right there!
Look at that condescending smirk
Seen it on every guy at work
That is a metro-hetro jerk
That guy's not gay, I say no way

[All]
That is the elephant in the room
Well is it relevant to presume
That a hottie in that costume

[Elle]
Is automatically, radically

[Calahan]
Ironically, cronically

[Vivian]
Scurtinly, curtainly

[Warner]
Genetically, netically

[All]
Gay!
Officially gay!
Officially gay, gay, gay, gay!

Dammit

Gay or european?

[Calahan]
So stylish and relaxed

[All]
Is he gay or european?

[Calahan]
I think his chest is waxed

[Vivian]
But they bring their boys up different there
It's culturally diverse
It's not a fashion curse

[All]
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code

[Brooke]
Yet his accent is hypnotic
But his shoes are pointy toed

[All]
Huh
Gay or european?
So many shades of gray

[Judge]
But if he turns out straight
I'm free at 8 on Saturday

[All]
Is he gay or european?
Gay or european?
Gay or euro-

[Emmett]
Wait a minute!
Give me a chance to crack this guy
I have an idea I'd like to try

[Calahan]
The floor is yours

[Emmett]
So mr. Argitacos
This alleged affair with ms. Windam
Has been going on for?

[Nicos]
2 years

[Emmett]
And your first name again is?

(Nicos)
Nicos

[Emmett]
And your boyfriend's name is?

[Nicos]
Carlos

I'm sorry! I misunderstand
You say boyfriend
I thought you say best friend
Carlos is my best friend

[Carlos]
You bastard!
You lying bastard!
That's it
I no cover for you, no more!

Peoples
I have a big announcement
This man is gay and european!
And neither is disgrace
You've got to stop your being
A completely closet case

It's me, not her, he's seein'
No matter what he say
I sware he never ever ever swing the other way
You are so gay
You big parfait!
You flaming one man carbaret!

[Nicos]
I'm straight!

[Carlos]
You were not yesterday

So if I may, I'm proud to say
He's gay!

[All]
And european!

[Carlos]
He's gay!

[All]
And european!

[Carlos]
He's gay!

[All]
And european and gay!

[Nicos]
Fine okay I'm gay!

[All]
Hooray!

[Nicos and carlos]
Fine, okay, we're gay